If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
meanwhile over on facebook
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”