[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I get distracted pretty eas
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The French cow says MEUX…
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan