*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You Might Also Like
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Meow
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?