I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
The honesty is refreshing
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Uh oh…
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors