lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.