In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.