Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.