therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
me: the earth isnβt flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: itβs the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didnβt you?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, βThat was the mustard squeeze bottle!β
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me, on phone with mom, βIβm drinking a glass of roseβ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.β
Husband, βYouβre drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.β
Me, finger to my mouth, βShhhh….β
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isnβt teeth
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
βOh hell yesβ – SchrΓΆdinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.