“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.