What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.