Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture