So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
When you kidnap a writer.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.