I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.