what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
You Might Also Like
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.