Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.