The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that