“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
HOW DARE YOU
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My sex drive has a dui
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”