nobody’s gonna understand
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How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
*orders delivery*
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR