My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.