Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
this chia pet tastes awful
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.