I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.