After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I need better friends
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice