we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
mood
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”