Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
What’s a Messi?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.