(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.