*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
May have had one breakfast too many
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Many hands make light work
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The first one, obviously
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
sliding into dms like
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.