Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Imma just leave this here…………
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
this is the greatest thing ever
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet