boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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The honesty is refreshing
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…