Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.