Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
ok this is my dumbest yet
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire