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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?