Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Favourite diary entry ever
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*pronounces woah like Noah*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.