I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The Backseat Boys
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.