I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause