I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
WHO DID THIS?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.