My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.