America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.