if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
What the hell is going on?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
🤣😂
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders