Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.