Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.