Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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This headline is a thing of beauty
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.