Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
You Might Also Like
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
🚲+physics = winner
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.