If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Not messing around
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.