If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A family that plays together cheats.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
How to draw a duck
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’m too immature for adultery.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.