you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.