I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me