*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Bless you
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Haha! 😂
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next