Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You Might Also Like
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
titanic
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her