[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.