Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
this is me
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.